Letters To MySelf: The Guilt Just Won't Go Away
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April 27th 2010
”I started up again. The feeling of guilt just won't go away..
It’s been a lonely past few days. I don't know where I am going or what I even want anymore. Maybe it’s because I am so hungry that I can't focus on anything but the things that are bothering me.
I think I failed my physical science quiz. It's so frustrating not understanding. No matter how hard I try it never seems to matter.
I texted “james” today. I miss him but I don't know if it is because of the hole I am trying to fill back up or if it is because I really do want to be with him again. I keep telling myself I want to date my “triathlon man” but is he really out there? If so will he be better than “james” or will I at least stop comparing?
I am craving to drink, it’s weird and it almost scares me. I don't know if it is because I want to have a really great time with the friends I haven't been able to hang out with or if it is because I have deprived myself from it for so long. Maybe it is because I know it's wrong and I want to “live on the edge” so to speak.
I just don't feel like myself anymore. I am so lost and all I want is to be pointed in the right direction again. Maybe it is because my faith is pretty much non existent anymore. I can't understand why or how it disappears so fast. It's something that can be so easily lost and I think I am looking to fill that void again… I realized that at my breaking point yesterday. I am not sure where to find it again though. I don't want to feel forced and that is how my bible study has been feeling to me I don't like to be forced or feel bad for missing a few days.
Triathlon is pretty much done right now and I have been unwillingly letting myself slack off. I feel like I am putting on weight again.
I am just ready for a new start. I hate that i'm wishing away the days ahead of me because I know they are not guaranteed. It makes me feel selfish for not appreciating everything I have right now at this very moment. Instead I waste my thoughts over thinking about food and my time picking myself apart in the mirror that seems to hate me so much.
I feel guilty about the piece of ice cream cake I enjoyed so much tonight despite the fact I didn't eat nearly as much as I should have today and the fact that I am so hungry at this very moment.
The weight loss pill I secretly bought months ago have come back out tonight and I happily took two of them falling into my old habits from months earlier. I will make my weight loss goals this time despite the fact that everything else is falling apart. “
February 6th, 2019
I know you feel like something is missing. It is so clear by the pain in your heart.. And I know all of this hurts and you are trying to do all you can to numb the pain but just know that it is okay to lean in. It is important to lean in. All of these external vices will not make it go away. There is no external validation or approval or love that will fill that void, that will make you feel whole. Only you can do that for yourself.
I know you feel out of control. I know you feel like the world is coming after you. But everything is happening for you in perfect timing. You have the opportunity to create the feelings you so desperately seek for in the outside world… trying to control the external will only provide a false sense of temporary security. You have everything you need to create that safety within.
Walk with the fear. Look inward. You are safe to feel.
