March 31st, 2010
I just got done eating a few handfuls of cereal and I am hating myself for it right now. As I shoved the tiny bites into my mouth I thought about everything I ate today - fruit and coffee, a peanut butter sandwich, soup and an orange.
The one thing that consumes my mind is the fact that I didn’t have time to exercise today. The food tastes so good yet so awful at the same time. My empty stomach growls get over shouted by my angry and punishing thoughts.. “Why am I eating this..”
I know I am hurting myself and I am fully aware that my habits are completely unhealthy, yet I can’t stop and I yearn for the hunger sensations that reassures myself I am reaching my goal and weight.
Do I really want to change or will I continue until I am happy with myself..
Will that day ever come?
August 22nd, 2018
Hi my love,
I know how much you are hurting, it’s okay. It will all be okay, that is one thing I can promise you.
Food will not always be restricted. Exercise will not always be forced. These things will not always bring you guilt.
The day WILL come where you no longer see the enemy when you look in the mirror. The day will come where you no longer spend every waking moment wishing to be someone else. The day will come where you accept and welcome all thoughts and feelings and emotions with love.
You CAN be happy now, my love, in the very body you are hating and hurting in. Your weight, the food, the exercise, the goals do not define you. You define you.
Keep going, the darkness will pass.