March 30th 2010
The hunger pains are almost comforting - it’s like a pat on the back for restraining myself from indulging, simply eating. It’s as if I finally did something right.. I'm on my way to that perfect image I have engrained in the back of my brain.
It’s so hard to keep it secret. No one understanding the temptation of such an everyday thing as eating. I just don't understand how other people are not constantly obsessing over every little piece of food they put into their mouth like I do. What is that like? What does it feel like to eat and not feel guilty or to not exercise for less than 2 hours a day and not feel terrible about yourself?
It’s like I live in such an unknown hidden world - so different from everyone around me..
I only wonder how much longer this will go on.
July 16th, 2018
19 year old Stephanie - I hear you. I see you. I love you.
It is easy to feel so alone when you feel so misunderstood.. When you feel like your body is an alien and you don’t know how to trust it. When you feel like you’re searching in every crevasse for some kind of validation.. for someone, anyone to tell you that you are worthy that you are good enough. I know. And it is okay. It is all okay.
You are right where you are supposed to be. This is a part of your journey. You are allowed to love and accept the challenges, the thoughts, the hardships. You are allowed to process the shame, the guilt, the heaviness. You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to be angry.
But just know that you are also allowed to let go. To lean into the pain and know that you can handle it. To know that healing comes from digging deeper, from allowing what is to surface.. Not from numbing the pain.
This will not be forever. I promise. Just keep going.