“What is it about food that makes it so hard to control. It is my drug - so addicting, so tempting yet it does me more hard than good. How can the one the that keeps me alive kill me? I feel like i am drowning out at sea & my life jacket pulls me farther away from the surface. I don’t know what else I can do. I am losing pieces of myself every day to this monster that is controlling my every thought, it is slowly sucking way every bit of happiness I have left in me.
I hate myself.
I can no longer control it - it’s like I am letting this thing win too easily. Every possible light, every possible thought of ending this battle all disappears like it was never meant to be here in the first place. I wish I could tear down every mirror, every scrutinizing mirror. I wish I could surround myself with an empty fridge, an empty house, anything to just make it all go away. Yet those are the things I rely on- the mirrors to tell me I have finally reached my goal image and the fridge to let me feel a hint of satisfaction for at least a few minutes before the guilt sets in.”
—An entry from my journal. December 6th, 2010
The battle with myself, with the mirror began around the age of 14. The mirror was my hardest, worst critic. For over 10 years, it hated every piece of me. Every skin cell, every misplaced hair, every imperfect lash. It hated it all. I was never enough. I always needed to be fixed.
And no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I worked there was no meal plan, no mantra, no relationship or perfect career that would ever change those deep, deep wounds.
I hit rock bottom with this 10 year battle in 2015. I had just ended a 2 ½ year relationship with the guy I was not only living with but the one I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with, I was at a job that I wasn’t at all passionate about, and was now houseless. I remember sitting at a bar in Boulder Colorado, alone with a beer in my hand, thinking “what the hell am I going to do now..” I was so confused with what I wanted to do with my life, I felt completely disconnected from who I was, and I found myself turning to alcohol, my body image, men, and anything else I could think of to try to control all of it. To try to feel something, loved, enough, worthy, pretty, wanted.. Anything but the emptiness.
After almost a year of trying to fill that emptiness with any and all external vices, I decided enough was enough. There HAD to be a better way to live this one life I had been given. There had to be a better way to feel the connection and love and freedom I so desperately wanted to feel.
So in 2017, after getting laid off from my job in Colorado, my (new) boyfriend and I packed up our things and moved to Utah to be closer to the outdoor activities we loved. I invested in personal development, coaches, podcasts, books, and the intuitive eating/movement world. I became sober from alcohol.
I realized who I really was at the core and how to start living a life that felt aligned with that person.
Over the last few years, I’ve truly learned what it means to feel freedom around my body, around myself and who I am. I developed a trust with myself that I never knew possible. I finally feel home. The mirror is no longer the enemy, I no longer constantly turn to external things to numb my feelings, and I have learned how to deeply appreciate the vessel, the body that I get to live my life in. I know my worth, I know I am enough and I finally feel peace. My brain no longer runs the show, my thoughts no longer hold me back, and I feel whole.
We get one life on this earth, for all we know. And while we are not broken, while we do not need to be fixed…
If this sounds like you, if you are ready to overhaul the relationship you have to your body, if you are ready to stop fighting yourself, to look in the mirror and appreciate the person, the body you see, if you are ready to finally know who you are, who you want to be and live your best, most radiant life... I can help you get there.
The life you desire is absolutely possible. Are you ready?
I am certified as a Body Acceptance Coach through Hungry for Happiness, a 10 month in depth Certification Program that includes 400 hours of module/course work, implementation, and client practicum hours. We are trained to become expert coaches in the food/body space helping our clients move through and change behaviors, beliefs, and patterns that are no longer serving them.